


Everyday precinct fun - pre credit scenes

by Emilywho



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Funny, Gen, Random & Short, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, Short scene, before opening credits, cold opening, group scene, pre-credits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-14 13:55:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3413171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilywho/pseuds/Emilywho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bunch of random scenes written in mind for the pre-credit sequences, or 'cold openings' in Brooklyn Nine-Nine, each seperate scene appears as a chapter.</p><p>Usually taking place in the precinct, with most of the characters. I plan to continue adding to this when ideas crop up! Any ideas for scenes would be great!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

99th Precinct  
11:36am

A typical day at the precinct, Santiago is buried in paperwork, Scully and Hitchcock are taking turns to go over each others heads with a magnifying glass no one bothers to ask any more, and Diaz is taking a statement from a civilian.  
There is a loud thumping noise gradually getting louder to which everyone in the precinct turns to look at each other with confused expressions. Peralta runs into the room shouting,  
"Guys! Guys! Oh my god!" He leaps over the barrier leading to the desks, sweat dripping from his face. The detectives jump to their feet thinking something terrible has happened, protocol takes the lead and their hands are poised on their guns.  
"What is it?!" Santiago looks ready to run and deal with whatever situation is happening.  
Peralta stops and bends over, hands on knees, taking in deep breaths.  
"They've started selling ice cream downstairs!" Jake's smile is bigger than ever, he genuinely thinks he is bringing the gang good news.  
"What! Jake are you being serious?" Amy looks as though she could bite someone's head off.  
"Yes! I've been suggesting this for 3 years! You guys should be happy for me. Man! Don't take this away from me."  
Rosa rolls her eyes and sits back down at her desk. As does everyone else. Jake looks around the room, astonished no one is paying attention.  
A high pitched scream is heard coming from down a corridor,  
"Ice cream!" Boyle runs from out of no where towards Jake.  
"Yes! See someone is happy for me! Let's go!" The pair run towards the barrier and Jake leaps over it once again, effortless and cool. Charles attempts to copy Jake, and gets his foot caught, flying over the barrier and smacks his face on the floor.  
Jake turns to see Charles in a tangled mess,  
"Or you know, we could go later."


	2. Wrestle

99th Precinct  
15:11pm

Amy walks into the precinct from the interrogation room and hears some commotion coming from the break room. On further inspection, everyone was crowded around Rosa and Terry who appeared to have marshmallows stuffed in their mouths in front of a cheering crowd.  
"What..? Shall I bother asking?" Amy turned to Jake who looked as if he was a child in a toy store.  
"The Sarge won 100 bucks on the lottery so thinks he is lucky, he bet Rosa a weeks over time that she can't fit as many marshmallows in her mouth as Terry can. Its amazing!"  
"Isn't that a bit childish for The Sarge?" Amy watches the scene with confusion.  
"It's better than what he bet me to do, lets just say I had to change my shoes." Jake looks sadly down at his shoes.  
"What? Ok, I give up."  
Terry does a lap of honour around the break room, arms in the air,  
"Who wants to take on the Ebony Falcon in an arm wrestle?!"  
"I will." Scully stands, expressionless face.  
Everyone looks at each other, astonished.  
"Terry's arms can crush people by looking at them. I can't watch." Jake looks through his fingers, his face continues to be filled with joy.  
Terry and Scully sit at the table, Terry acting nonchalant, a walk in the park! They grasp hands and prepare for battle.  
Charles counts down from 3, all eyes on the pair, slightly bewildered about Scully's bravery or stupidity.  
Within seconds, Scully had thrashed Terry. Silence filled the room, everyone's jaws on the floor, Terry looks as though his world has crumbled.  
"What? There's muscle under this." Scully wonders out of the room eating a donut. The gang's eyes follow him out of the room.  
Jake takes the lead, "What the...."


	3. Neighbours

99th Precinct  
12:07pm

Jake takes a huge yawn "My neighbour was up all night listening to crappy blues music. I mean they could have put on some bitchin' rap." The Sarge rolls his eyes at Jake's latest attempt to be cool and leaves him to it.  
"I saw my neighbour naked this morning." Amy pipes up, eyes fixed on her computer screen.  
"How'd you keep that quiet all morning?!" Jake loves news like this. And coming from Amy, she's doesn't lead the most interesting life out of work.  
"The apartment block next to mine, the living room windows look onto my kitchen," Amy still hard at work, multi tasking.  
"And...." Jake is enthralled.  
"And I was making some coffee looked out the window and there she was."  
Jakes face lit up,"She?! Wait, is that hot? I can't work out if that's hot or not."  
"She's 79 years old." Amy has looked up from her screen and gives a look of disgust.  
"Ew, not hot, not hot!" Jake flaps his arms around.  
"She's a sweet lady, I helped carry her groceries once." Amy smiled like she achieved her badge from the Girl Guides.  
"What's up? What's happening?" A chirpy Charles walks up to the desks with his hands on his hips.  
"Amy saw her neighbour naked this morning. A LADY neighbour." Jake knows Charles too well.  
"That's a start of a sexy time film right there." Charles looks proud.  
"She's 79 years old." Jake waits for it.  
"Noice!" Charles gave a little nod.  
"Boyle!!" Amy has stopped working altogether.  
"What?! She's an experienced lady, in fact I bet she knows a few tricks. Wait, are you talking about Mrs Freid?"  
Amy looks like she is about to throw up,  
"Oh my god yes, how...? I don't want to know how you know Mrs Freid!" Amy walks away. Meanwhile Jake sits with his mouth hanging open at Boyles admission.  
Boyle just winks at Jake and walks off.  
Jakes eyes follow Charles in horror,  
"Ew no!"


	4. Toe

99th Precinct  
16:43pm

Captain Holt walks from the briefing room towards his office and stops as he gets to the door and sniffs.  
"What IS that smell?" Holt looks around confused.  
"Ooopsie. My B. That will be me." Gina raises her hand. She has one foot on her desk in an awkward position, painting her toe nails.  
"Floorgasm have a show tonight. We are performing a very intense and emotional piece to Thong Song by Sisqo. So naturally I need to get in the zone with 'Hot Red' polish." Gina gives Holt a threatening look.  
"Do you have to do that at your desk?"   
"Absolutely. I'm filing reports with my other hand Captain." Gina shows the pile of reports with pride.  
Holt walks away slightly impressed.  
"I bet you girls are jealous of me." Hitchcock lifted his head from his desk and Gina turns to him.  
"What's that now?" Her confused expression says it all.  
"Well," Hitchcock bends down and starts to untie his shoelaces, "I have naturally painted toenails. Bet you'd love to have that! No more painting!"   
Jake walks into the precinct and sees Hitchcock taking his shoes off, turns around and walks straight back out the door.  
Hitchcock whacks his foot on the table, and Gina runs away down the corridoor screaming, bare foot.  
He points at his foot and proudly declares,   
"It's a good job I like the colour yellow!"


	5. Stares

99th Precinct  
Break Room  
15:10pm

The room is deadly silent. Jake and Amy are locked in a fierce staring contest. Amy is super competitive and is almost scowling at Jake, determined to win this. Jake on the other hand started out serious, but his brain got in the way and was thinking about how pretty Amy's eyes were. And the little crinkle she gets on her nose when she's concentrating.  
Boyle noticed Jake's face and squeaked with mischief.  
"Boyle!" Both Amy and Jake snapped at Charles.  
Rosa strides into the room,  
"A staring contest?"  
"Oh yes!" Starts Boyle, "You see, both Amy and Jake noticed that there was something stuck to the Captain's butt but neither one are willing to tell him and admit they were staring at his butt." Boyle stands with the arms crossed.  
"Why were either of you looking at his butt?" Rosa grabs a chair and sits between the two competitors, "And who cares who tells him?"  
"Can't...talk." Amy was extremely focused, eyes beginning to water. Jake however looked like he was making no effort at all and attempted to answer Rosa but was too busy just looking at Amy and mumbles nonsense.  
"No one can work out if he will angry or not. He has never commented on his feelings towards people looking at his butt." Charles explains while Rosa looks on bemused as to why anybody cared about this.  
Gina walks in and sneezes suddenly.  
"AH ha! You blinked! Off you go Peralta!" Amy stands with her arms in the air.  
"That wasn't fair! Gina sneezed! Damn your sinuses Linetti! OK, let's go get to the bottom of this."  
"Ass-tonishing." Both Boyle and Jake do a no look high five at their butt puns.

Jake knocks on Holt's door and is invited in.  
"OK. Capt'n? There is something gross on your butt." Jake looks slightly nervous, getting straight to the point. Peeping through the blinds is a very happy Amy, she's hoping this will provoke an angry reaction out of Holt.  
"Oh goodness. Thank you Peralta, I have a meeting with the Deputy Commissioner in an hour, that would have been highly embarrassing." Holt looks thankful, gives Jake a slight nod and goes towards the bathroom.  
Jake walks up to Amy, face full of smugness while Amy is shocked, she could have been thanked by the Captain herself if she had told him!  
"Well that could not have worked out any more perfectlyier." Jake says to Amy knowing her love of perfect grammar and walks away.  
Amy glances down and sees something equally gross on Jake's butt.  
"Erm Jake?"  
Jake spins around, still full of pride, "Yes milady?"  
"Nothing." Amy flashes a smug smile and almost skips to her desk, best afternoon ever she thinks.


	6. Birthday

99th Precinct  
8:45am

"Where is he?!" Jake is pacing up and down the corridor round the corner from the main office.  
Boyle walks in and is surprised that Jake is at work before he is.  
"Jakey! Why are you so tense?"  
"It's Gina's birthday and I hired a stripper to jump out of this cake. Ever since we were kids we've tried to out do each others birthday presents." Jake drags a huge fake cake out from the interrogation room, ignoring the perp being questioned by an officer.  
"A stripper? Jake, isn't that distasteful?" Jake looks at Boyle astonished with Boyle's sudden morals.  
"It's a stripper who looks EXACTLY like Terry. And he'll be making wolf noises. It will be hilarious. If he EVER GETS HERE! Paying him by the half hour dammit."  
Captain Holt's voice booms across the room, over the sound of people wishing Gina a happy birthday,  
"OK that is enough frivolities, everyone back to work now."  
Jake looks devastated, his big plan for Gina is not going to work. Then suddenly his face lights up as if an idea has just struck him.

A fanfare is played in to the room whilst a voice from no where asks Gina to sit down. Gina looks excited and relieved that Jake remembered!  
Jake pushes the cake towards Gina when some classic R'n'B music starts to play.  
"Happy Birthday Linetti!" Jake shouts proudly.  
At that moment, Boyle jumps out of the cake in just his underwear and starts wiggling around, as if he were dancing.  
Gina, Amy and Rosa all scream in unison with horror.  
"Wolf noises Boyle, wolf noises!" Jake helpfully whispers.  
Boyle starts to add 'wolf' noises to his display,  
"Is he pretending to be a goat?" Amy is just puzzled.  
Jake looks panicked trying to calm everyone down and looks over at Hitchcock who has taken his shirt off,  
"Hitchcock?! Seriously?" Jake has his arms out wide.  
"Boyle did it first!" Hitchcock also starts to jiggle.  
Terry then walks into the madness,  
"Why is there a semi naked man, who looks EXACTLY like me grinding up against Meryl in Personnel?"  
Jake's eyes widen and looks around at the state of the precinct just as Holt returns to see what all the noise was,  
"Haaaaappy Birthdaaaaaaay!" He mischievously says while giving two thumbs up.


	7. Nose

99th Precinct  
17:09pm

Jake walks into the bullpit, leaning his head back and holding his nose, bumping into various people and items of furniture.  
"So that perp I've been chasing for the past 2 months? Got him! But the bastard put up a fight."  
Jake sits at his desk, clearly in pain, Boyle runs up to Jake,  
"Oh my God Jakey! Don't move, you'll survive this! Ahh what would Jake do?"  
"Boyle, it's just a broken nose." Jake watches Boyle flap his arms in a panic.  
Rosa, being a trained first aider, sprang into action and went to fetch the first aid kit from the break room and brings it to Jake's desk,  
"What the hell?!" Rosa opens the kit to find it empty apart from band aid wrappers and bandages in knots,"Who has been messing with this stuff?"  
Everyone turns to Scully and Hitchcock.  
"We needed to see how many band aids it would take to cover an entire arm. For science." Scully seemed pleased with his statement.  
Rosa rolls her eyes,  
"We'll have to improvise before we can take you to A&E."

10 minutes later

Jake is de-briefing the detectives on the perp he just arrested, or at least trying to. No one can understand a word he is saying due to his nose being taped up with toilet roll and duct tape.  
"So we caud up wid himb downd twendy durd avenue."  
The entire room starts to snigger, not only does he look ridiculous, he is making no sense.  
Jake looks around the room confused, he looks at Amy for comfort,  
"Why Id eberyone laughing?"  
Amy sarcastically mouths the words 'you're so hot' at Jake, to which he blushes slightly.  
Jake's temporary dressing starts to slip from his nose, one bit of tape hanging off, then two. Then the entire dressing falls off and reveals his bruised and bloody broken nose. Screams are heard, non louder than Boyle. Jake turns to look at Boyle, who has fainted and is lying on the floor.  
"Serbiously?"


	8. Bee

99th Precinct  
13:27pm

It's a warm summers afternoon in Brooklyn.  
The windows surrounding the bullpen are open allowing what breeze there is in.  
Jake walks into the room, and a bee follows him in.  
"Arghhhhh! Jake you brought a bee in!" Gina covers her face with her hands.  
"What? Where?!" Jake spins around.  
"You're making it angry!" Gina starts praying to the wolf gods.  
"There's a bee?! I'm highly allergic, I could die!" Boyle starts to panic, his hands feeling for a swollen neck.  
"My face, my beautiful face it can't get stung!" Jake is the next to start panicking.  
Amy stays calm, looking around at the others with distain,  
"Guys it a bee, we catch murderers for a living, come on!" As Amy finished talking, the bee landed on her arm and flew away instantly.  
"Oh my god it touched meee!" Amy curls up into a ball on her chair and makes a swatter with rolled up paper, yelling 'kill it!' Lord of the flies style.  
"What in gods name is happening in here?!" Holt strides into the room, discusted at the state of his team.  
"Bee!" Jake screams, muffled by his hoodie which he has covered his entire head with.  
Holt steps forward and holds one arm out in front of him with his palm facing towards the ceiling. Within seconds, the bee lands on the centre of Holt's palm. He slowly walks towards the open window and releases the bee.  
The entire room stands in silence and awe at the captain. Jakes mouth hangs open. Amy looks at Holt as if she has fallen in love with him all over again.  
Holt turns at his door,  
"Kevin also hates bees."


End file.
